College!

Pe'hevevoona'o! I hope everyone had a good weekend! I had a nice weekend of nothing planning. I was going to stay home and just chill. But, true to me, I last minute packed up and headed to Billings to watch my little brother ride bulls at the NILE! That right there is literally the story of my life! haha I pulled in and was telling my mom about the weekend I had planned. She said, "how did that work out for you?" I said, "Apparently that life's not for me!" haha 

So, these past few years I have been in this weird place of trying to go back to school to finish my bachelors degree. I stopped going to school because I was deployed the year I was supposed to graduate and when I got home it was very difficult to adjust back to being a civilian. I could not control my emotions. I would get very frustrated with having to sit in a classroom while people asked stupid questions while there was real things going on in the world. Needless to say, I dropped out and started focusing my energy on finding a decent job. 

I have been doing this for years  now. And if I am really honest with myself this time has been a blessing. I don't think I was ready to truly learn when I was in school. I think I was still too young and immature to be grateful for an education. Only now, at 29 years old do I feel open and excited about learning and educating myself. I always beat myself up with guilt and shame that I didn't finish. I look at other people my age and younger who have multiple degrees and compare myself. I felt not good enough, so I overcompensated by acting like I don't need a degree. I had all this other knowledge and life experience, so I didn't need education. haha Education doesn't define me or make me who I am, therefore I don't need it! Boy was I fooling myself. What I have come to realize is that my traditional knowledge and spiritual grounding are my foundation and I have a pretty strong foundation now. Life experience, education and knowledge are all the structures/frames by which my home is built. I am the home and metaphorically speaking, my home will never be completed or finished. I will always be evolving and learning in numerous environments; whether it is on deployment in Kuwait or at the University of Montana. 

All that being said, I was just accepted back to the University of Montana. I am pretty excited about this, especially considering I wasn't sure if I was going to reapply, let alone get accepted. This process was sort of painful. I don't know what the deal was, but I created this huge mental block to going back to school. I was scared of being rejected and scared of dealing with professors whom I bumped heads with along the way. The professor I did not want to deal with, was the one professor that I had to deal with! Go figure huh! lol At the time, she was teaching the research class I need to graduate and is now the program director! I called her out in front of the entire class, more than a few times, because she refused to practice what she preached and absolutely refused to have a conversation about cultural anything: sensitivity, appropriate services, awareness, ect. I wasn't the only one who noticed this, but I was the only one golly enough to challenge her in class! haha Looking back, I stand by my reasoning, but I definitely would not have dealt with things in such a disrespectful manner. I was demanding respect on behalf of 'my people,' but not giving it. Needless to say, I had to swallow that piece of humble pie to get back into school! haha 

The thing was my ego has been preventing me from doing that for years! Years!! I have been literally avoiding applying back to school and the program because my ego was wounded and I felt ashamed for what I had done all those years ago. However, I have been reading my favorite book, DailyLove: Growing into Grace by my favorite mentor Mastin Kipp. This book is literally changing my life with every page I read! I highly recommend it for those who are seeking change in their lives! There were a few teachings that I picked up on that just spoke to me, spoke to my spirit. One of those is when Mastin talks about staying motivated. He shared how he stays motivated. Basically, he stays motivated by surrounding himself with people who are further down the path than he and by facing fear by listing 5 things that he is scared of and doing one thing each day to move towards them. (Or well this is what I got from it! lol Im sure there are more things that keep him motivated! ) Soooo, I did it! I was scared to go back to school. So I made a list of things to do each day that would lead me back to school. Order my transcripts, pay for transcripts, fill out the reapplication, call the registrar AND call the program director!!! I did it all and got accepted!! Now, I can see how crazy irrational that stupid fear (aka ego) was!!

The other teachings that I have been focusing on and putting my energy towards are in these quotes from Mastin's book:

"Be willing to live for a few years how most people won't, so that you can live the rest of your life how most people can't!." -Mastin Kipp-

"There's no reason to have a Plan B because it distracts from Plan A!" -Will Smith-

I have been totally putting to much energy towards Plan B. For me, Plan B is working to provide for myself. However, I keep getting stuck at these jobs. Don't get me wrong, I love the work I do. BUT, I know I am capable of more. That is why I need to commit to my Plan A and go back to school. Not because education defines me or is the be all, end all, but because it is just another tool that will help me on my path. All education is good education. It is up to us what lessons we take from it. Now, I can see how sacrificing a few years to go back to school, is well worth it, if it is going to guide me and assist me in what my purpose here on earth is. 

I am so excited to go back to school. Let me know what you think. Have you had experiences like this? Are you somewhere in the process? If so, let me know in the comments :) I would love a conversation!

Blessings,
Krystal Rain