So, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I have been thinking about this post all month. Debating whether or not I should share my story and my experience with domestic violence. I have been reading all of the posts by the National Indigenous Women's Resource Center and article's about, "Why I stayed." It's still very emotional and brings up some deeply embedded pain even after all these years. However, I think that I need to continue to face that pain everyday to move forward.
The abuse I endured was so long ago. I am not the same person I was back then, but there's still parts of me that is afraid to commit to relationships for fear that they will end up like this one. About 8 years ago, I was just a girl still! ha But, typical of most 19 year-olds, I thought I knew it all and was quick to make huge life decisions without taking any advice. lol I was going to college at Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO. I went back to Pine Ridge for Spring Break. Of course I was out partying and making poor choices. Which, by the way, I do not condone. I am only sharing this because it is part of my story, my journey and an experience that helped shape part of who I am today. My Auntie and I were out planning what to do that night and then I seen him. The moment I seen him, I knew, that is who I was going to be with for the rest of my life. He literally took my breath away and that was it and I didn't even know his name yet! (Talk about corny huh! lol) He came up to my car and I was so happy that my Auntie knew him. We all talked about the crazy plans for the night and he came with us.
Of course we jumped head first into a crazy intense relationship that would last three years. I dropped out of college. Like I said earlier, I was young and he was my entire world. I was so in love that I didn't notice how I was being isolated from my family and friends. First, there were subtle things, like not liking my friends. So, of course I wasn't going to give up this love of my life for friends. Which, looking back, is totally ridiculous. Today, my friends are some of the most important people in my life and whoever I am with, has to get along with them! hehe Then I isolated myself from my mom and dad.
We took turns living with his mom and dad and my Grandmoo. Everything seemed perfect. We were so close that I could literally feel when something was wrong with him. One night, he went to go play basketball and I stayed to bead with his mom. All of a sudden I felt all shaky and my heart was beating really fast. I looked up and must have had a crazy look on my face because his mom got scared and asked me whats wrong. I knew something was wrong with him. Something happened, but I didn't know what and I couldn't explain it. I told her and we jumped in her car and drove around looking for him. We couldn't find him anywhere. So we went home and he was there. He sprained his ankle playing basketball and went to the emergency room! Another time, we had broken up over the abuse and I went back to my moms. I was asleep and sat straight up in bed crying my eyes out. I didn't even know what I was doing, but I knew something had happened to him. Sure enough, he was out drinking, got into a fight, got pistol whipped and the gun went off and grazed his head. I called his phone and his dad said they were in the ER. (Totally ghetto..I know! WTH Krystal!! lol)
When asking women, why they stayed. That is why I stayed. I thought that he was it for me. I thought that my love for him could make it all better. I stayed because I loved him with my entire being and thought that love could make him change. I thought that if I could just get him to stop drinking, we would be okay. Not how things went...
I remember the exact moment things changed and every detail about that night. The first time I got hit . It was during his 21st birthday party. His parents let everyone drink in the basement to be safe. (Great idea!! *says sarcastically!) He got so drunk and I was trying to get him to stop and go to bed. I finally got him to the point that he agreed to eat and then go to sleep. So we went upstairs and made him some leftover taco salad. I turned around and accidentally bumped him and he dropped the entire plate on the floor. I just remember watching it hit the floor, splatter and then catching a backhand right to my face. Then he just walked away like nothing happened. I just stood there in the middle of the kitchen...in shock. His sister must have seen or heard what happened and came running into me as soon as he went back downstairs. I felt like my legs didn't work and I couldn't move. His sister said, "Krystal your nose is bleeding," and I snapped out of it.
Everything changed in that one moment. The one person in the world that could make everything okay was the one person who hurt me the most. I would always run to him when I was sad, lonely or whatever it was. And now he was the one causing the sadness, loneliness, anger, betrayal and all the other emotions rolled into one feeling. That was just the beginning. I stayed with him for another 2 and a half years. The abuse got worse and more frequent and I hung onto the idea that I could change him. I left him a total of four times before I left him for good the fifth time.
Ironically, the things that helped me leave him were some of the same things that motivate me! If you read my previous blog, it was all about how to get and stay motivated. Well those things have been with me since before I can remember.
During our relationship, my parents and family did what they could. I would call crying and they would try to come get me, but would change my mind by the time they were ready to leave. I don't think I talked to my dad for two years straight during that time. Looking back now, I can't even imagine how difficult it was for my family to watch me go through all of that. Just thinking about what my mom must have felt when I would call after getting hit or being chased down in a panic, crying, wanting her to come get me...still makes me cry.
Ultimately the Creator and my parents are who saved me. From a very young age my mom instilled values and beliefs in me. It was never an option for me to NOT go to college. All through high school, I think we sweated every weekend! ha My parents connected me to the Creator and our spiritual beliefs. Even when I fought it, they pushed me to learn and participate. They never gave up on me. Even when I was young, defiant and crazy. They stayed consistent and reliable. They always put it in my head that I was worth more and was destined for big things. They taught me our history and where we came from. They shared what our ancestors sacrificed so that we could be here today. And most importantly, they taught me how to pray. Although, at the time, I was a young rebellious teenager and acted like I didn't care! ha But they shared anyway. My parents always say to speak to people's spirits when you're sharing because our humanness may not be ready for what is being shared. I truly believe that. As a teenager and young woman, my humanness was not ready, but my spirit listened and absorbed all of the teachings.
That is what I clung to. Those teachings are what I had to dig down deep and remember. I remember when I first started to remember to pray. I was a mess, sore and emotionally drained and I had burned so many bridges and was so ashamed that I didn't know who to turn to or call. I began to pray. I started out praying for our relationship, but over time prayed for the pain to go away. That is when I started to remember what was important to me before the pain. So, I started taking classes at Oglala Lakota College. They had a little room that had one treadmill, one bicycle, a stereo and some weights. I would take my Hunka daughter and little cousin with me to work out in the evenings. If they were with me, he wouldn't think I was up to something. I slowly started to feel good about myself. I was going to school and getting back in shape. I was a runner in high school and was always active. I always felt good when I was active, so I figured I would start there.
He got a job, the drinking and abuse lessened, but it wasn't enough. When in high school, I always liked the idea of attending the University of Montana in Missoula. So, I secretly applied because I knew if I let him know that I was planning on going to school out of state, I wouldn't leave. I had everything sent to my moms and a new email address. I got accepted towards the end of the week, my mom came and got me that weekend, drove me 12 hours to Missoula and I started classes that week! I feel like that was the only way I could leave. Not because it was so dangerous that I couldn't let him know, but because I still loved him. I was still holding onto the idea that I could change him and that we loved each other enough to get through it. But something deep down inside told me to go. So, I did. I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life.
Over the course of the past 8 years I have slowly healed. I have slowly let go of the pain. I have even forgiven him. It wasn't easy. And not before I tried to drown the pain and loneliness in alcohol and relationships. No form of medicating could help me. My life was so hectic and chaotic. Then, one day I ran into an Army recruiter and enlisted! ha Just like that! lol Typical Krystal...go big or go home! lol I needed structure and stability in my life and I wasn't at that place where I could go home yet and that is just what the Army gave me. It has been 8 years since I enlisted and I just recently got done with my time in service...October 3, 2014!! Haray! lol
The army was just a stepping stone to coming home. I reconnected with my mom, dad and siblings. We rebuilt and strengthened our relationships. I started coming home to sweat and participate in ceremony. I started to do the work on myself to build my confidence, strength and will back up. I used all of those motivating factors to strengthen myself. I think it worked. haha I am no where near, "there," because there does not exist. I am still a work in progress and always will be. But I am here and I am happy. I am thankful and I am blessed! I would like to say thank you for all those who endured that time of my life with me!
I am sure there are so many stories like mine. Unfortunately, too many are still in those abusive relationships and at very young ages. So, if you feel like sharing or talking with me. Just hit me up. I am always open to visiting, sharing, answering questions or just listening :) And if you are struggling, remember: You are beautiful. You are sacred and holy! You deserve only the best. You are destined for great things and you got this!!
Thank you for reading!
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
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