Good morning and Happy Birthday to my friends and family! haha jks Happy Halloween! I was laughing because I called my Grandmoo and asked her what she is going to do for her birthday. She got quiet and said, "Yours," with that Oglala Grandma accent! haha Then I asked if she got her ride out yet. She started laughing and said that she was getting some new straw for the end still! lol She makes me laugh! I hope everyone had a great month of October. I feel like this whole month just flew by! This whole year actually! lol
So, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I have been thinking about this post all month. Debating whether or not I should share my story and my experience with domestic violence. I have been reading all of the posts by the National Indigenous Women's Resource Center and article's about, "Why I stayed." It's still very emotional and brings up some deeply embedded pain even after all these years. However, I think that I need to continue to face that pain everyday to move forward.
The abuse I endured was so long ago. I am not the same person I was back then, but there's still parts of me that is afraid to commit to relationships for fear that they will end up like this one. About 8 years ago, I was just a girl still! ha But, typical of most 19 year-olds, I thought I knew it all and was quick to make huge life decisions without taking any advice. lol I was going to college at Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO. I went back to Pine Ridge for Spring Break. Of course I was out partying and making poor choices. Which, by the way, I do not condone. I am only sharing this because it is part of my story, my journey and an experience that helped shape part of who I am today. My Auntie and I were out planning what to do that night and then I seen him. The moment I seen him, I knew, that is who I was going to be with for the rest of my life. He literally took my breath away and that was it and I didn't even know his name yet! (Talk about corny huh! lol) He came up to my car and I was so happy that my Auntie knew him. We all talked about the crazy plans for the night and he came with us.
Of course we jumped head first into a crazy intense relationship that would last three years. I dropped out of college. Like I said earlier, I was young and he was my entire world. I was so in love that I didn't notice how I was being isolated from my family and friends. First, there were subtle things, like not liking my friends. So, of course I wasn't going to give up this love of my life for friends. Which, looking back, is totally ridiculous. Today, my friends are some of the most important people in my life and whoever I am with, has to get along with them! hehe Then I isolated myself from my mom and dad.
We took turns living with his mom and dad and my Grandmoo. Everything seemed perfect. We were so close that I could literally feel when something was wrong with him. One night, he went to go play basketball and I stayed to bead with his mom. All of a sudden I felt all shaky and my heart was beating really fast. I looked up and must have had a crazy look on my face because his mom got scared and asked me whats wrong. I knew something was wrong with him. Something happened, but I didn't know what and I couldn't explain it. I told her and we jumped in her car and drove around looking for him. We couldn't find him anywhere. So we went home and he was there. He sprained his ankle playing basketball and went to the emergency room! Another time, we had broken up over the abuse and I went back to my moms. I was asleep and sat straight up in bed crying my eyes out. I didn't even know what I was doing, but I knew something had happened to him. Sure enough, he was out drinking, got into a fight, got pistol whipped and the gun went off and grazed his head. I called his phone and his dad said they were in the ER. (Totally ghetto..I know! WTH Krystal!! lol)
When asking women, why they stayed. That is why I stayed. I thought that he was it for me. I thought that my love for him could make it all better. I stayed because I loved him with my entire being and thought that love could make him change. I thought that if I could just get him to stop drinking, we would be okay. Not how things went...
I remember the exact moment things changed and every detail about that night. The first time I got hit . It was during his 21st birthday party. His parents let everyone drink in the basement to be safe. (Great idea!! *says sarcastically!) He got so drunk and I was trying to get him to stop and go to bed. I finally got him to the point that he agreed to eat and then go to sleep. So we went upstairs and made him some leftover taco salad. I turned around and accidentally bumped him and he dropped the entire plate on the floor. I just remember watching it hit the floor, splatter and then catching a backhand right to my face. Then he just walked away like nothing happened. I just stood there in the middle of the kitchen...in shock. His sister must have seen or heard what happened and came running into me as soon as he went back downstairs. I felt like my legs didn't work and I couldn't move. His sister said, "Krystal your nose is bleeding," and I snapped out of it.
Everything changed in that one moment. The one person in the world that could make everything okay was the one person who hurt me the most. I would always run to him when I was sad, lonely or whatever it was. And now he was the one causing the sadness, loneliness, anger, betrayal and all the other emotions rolled into one feeling. That was just the beginning. I stayed with him for another 2 and a half years. The abuse got worse and more frequent and I hung onto the idea that I could change him. I left him a total of four times before I left him for good the fifth time.
Ironically, the things that helped me leave him were some of the same things that motivate me! If you read my previous blog, it was all about how to get and stay motivated. Well those things have been with me since before I can remember.
During our relationship, my parents and family did what they could. I would call crying and they would try to come get me, but would change my mind by the time they were ready to leave. I don't think I talked to my dad for two years straight during that time. Looking back now, I can't even imagine how difficult it was for my family to watch me go through all of that. Just thinking about what my mom must have felt when I would call after getting hit or being chased down in a panic, crying, wanting her to come get me...still makes me cry.
Ultimately the Creator and my parents are who saved me. From a very young age my mom instilled values and beliefs in me. It was never an option for me to NOT go to college. All through high school, I think we sweated every weekend! ha My parents connected me to the Creator and our spiritual beliefs. Even when I fought it, they pushed me to learn and participate. They never gave up on me. Even when I was young, defiant and crazy. They stayed consistent and reliable. They always put it in my head that I was worth more and was destined for big things. They taught me our history and where we came from. They shared what our ancestors sacrificed so that we could be here today. And most importantly, they taught me how to pray. Although, at the time, I was a young rebellious teenager and acted like I didn't care! ha But they shared anyway. My parents always say to speak to people's spirits when you're sharing because our humanness may not be ready for what is being shared. I truly believe that. As a teenager and young woman, my humanness was not ready, but my spirit listened and absorbed all of the teachings.
That is what I clung to. Those teachings are what I had to dig down deep and remember. I remember when I first started to remember to pray. I was a mess, sore and emotionally drained and I had burned so many bridges and was so ashamed that I didn't know who to turn to or call. I began to pray. I started out praying for our relationship, but over time prayed for the pain to go away. That is when I started to remember what was important to me before the pain. So, I started taking classes at Oglala Lakota College. They had a little room that had one treadmill, one bicycle, a stereo and some weights. I would take my Hunka daughter and little cousin with me to work out in the evenings. If they were with me, he wouldn't think I was up to something. I slowly started to feel good about myself. I was going to school and getting back in shape. I was a runner in high school and was always active. I always felt good when I was active, so I figured I would start there.
He got a job, the drinking and abuse lessened, but it wasn't enough. When in high school, I always liked the idea of attending the University of Montana in Missoula. So, I secretly applied because I knew if I let him know that I was planning on going to school out of state, I wouldn't leave. I had everything sent to my moms and a new email address. I got accepted towards the end of the week, my mom came and got me that weekend, drove me 12 hours to Missoula and I started classes that week! I feel like that was the only way I could leave. Not because it was so dangerous that I couldn't let him know, but because I still loved him. I was still holding onto the idea that I could change him and that we loved each other enough to get through it. But something deep down inside told me to go. So, I did. I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life.
Over the course of the past 8 years I have slowly healed. I have slowly let go of the pain. I have even forgiven him. It wasn't easy. And not before I tried to drown the pain and loneliness in alcohol and relationships. No form of medicating could help me. My life was so hectic and chaotic. Then, one day I ran into an Army recruiter and enlisted! ha Just like that! lol Typical Krystal...go big or go home! lol I needed structure and stability in my life and I wasn't at that place where I could go home yet and that is just what the Army gave me. It has been 8 years since I enlisted and I just recently got done with my time in service...October 3, 2014!! Haray! lol
The army was just a stepping stone to coming home. I reconnected with my mom, dad and siblings. We rebuilt and strengthened our relationships. I started coming home to sweat and participate in ceremony. I started to do the work on myself to build my confidence, strength and will back up. I used all of those motivating factors to strengthen myself. I think it worked. haha I am no where near, "there," because there does not exist. I am still a work in progress and always will be. But I am here and I am happy. I am thankful and I am blessed! I would like to say thank you for all those who endured that time of my life with me!
I am sure there are so many stories like mine. Unfortunately, too many are still in those abusive relationships and at very young ages. So, if you feel like sharing or talking with me. Just hit me up. I am always open to visiting, sharing, answering questions or just listening :) And if you are struggling, remember: You are beautiful. You are sacred and holy! You deserve only the best. You are destined for great things and you got this!!
Thank you for reading!
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
Pe'vevehoona'o/Hihani Waste everyone! I hope everyone had a good weekend. I had a blast! I haven't had that much fun in a very long time! There was a fashion and modeling workshop for Native designers, models, artists and musicians. So, Native talent from all over the country came to Bozeman to share their knowledge and showcase their work. It was so amazing see all of the artistry and creativity. I love that! Personally, I'm not very artistic or creative, but boy do I love hanging out with those that are! Everyone was so passionate about what they do, whether it was styling hair, modeling, fashion or music! It was like you could see the person by looking at their work or listening to their music. To me, that's what life is all about. Watching everyone give their all and share good energy got me thinking about what makes me excited, passionate and more importantly what keeps me motivated in the work I do.
One of my previous posts introduced the idea of being motivated and I have been reading and listening to a lot of material about how to stay motivated lately. What keeps each of us motivated is so different. Yet, I imagine there are a few similarities. So, I'm going to share how I stay motivated.
So, the most important way that I stay motivated is by reconnecting back to spirit or grounding myself. I do this in so many ways. I do it by being physically active, being out in nature, going home for a good sweat, being around family and friends and filling myself with positive energy. All of which, happens to be other ways I also stay motivated. It is sort of a process for me. They don't always go in order, but this is generally the process and order I motivate myself in:
Staying physically active is so important to not only my motivation, but my overall health; mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. When I am being lazy and eating poorly, laying around my apartment watching all my TV shows on Hulu and Netflix eating Potato chips with my favorite French onion dip....its time to go hike or run!! haha Although, I am a pretty active person, I can be so lazy when I want! haha I now know myself enough to know that when I feel down, lazy, I can't think or nothing is going my way, I need to go hike or run. The hardest thing ever is changing and lacing up my shoes! lol But that's where I start...I lace up my shoes and slowly work my way to the door and then just go. Go for a walk, a hike or a run! It doesn't matter how far or how long I go for...it only matters that I showed up. Then I just listen to my body. So sometimes I run a few miles, or hike a mountain or walk a mile! haha The important thing is that I do it and feel instantly better. The moment I feel myself breaking a sweat or breathing hard, I know that I am on the right track. Its like instant motivation! haha There is something about being out in nature and pushing myself physically that reminds me that I am capable of way more than I am allowing myself to believe. Which leads me to my next motivating factor...being in nature.
It is not about the physical exercise itself, its the combination of physical activity and being in nature. Those two things reconnect me and ground me back to my spirit, the Creator or however you view your higher power. And that is ultimately what starts my motivation kick! haha There is something so powerful about being outside smelling the tree sap and moist dirt on a warm day; hearing the birds chirping and my own breathing; seeing the sun glow onto everything and all the little animals scurry about; and feeling the ground beneath my feet and the sweat trickle down that is empowering and reminding. It reminds me of how really simple life is. I am thankful for those little reminders. And when I can be in a place of gratitude and see how simple things are, it puts things in perspective. All of a sudden things seem more attainable and I feel motivated to do something... anything! lol I use physical activity to process through my thoughts and feelings as well. So, this is a perfect process for me. I can get motivated as I think about what my next step is!
Then, I usually come home all pumped about an idea or plan! haha So, what do I do? I call someone! lol My next motivating factor is relying on friends and family for encouragement. I am a pretty social person, so I like to talk! haha So, for me, it only makes sense that I bounce my ideas and plans off my friends and family for support or advice. Now, I admit, sometimes I am not the greatest at taking advice or criticism..but I'm getting better at it! lol And if it is coming from someone I care about and I know cares about me, then I usually process it over some time and ultimately take the advice to better myself. So, back to calling someone! lol I call my mom, dad, Bro and all my friends. I'll go down my favorites list in my cell phone contacts until I get someone! haha Then, I just talk, visit and share whatever comes to mind. I am so blessed and fortunate to have family and friends that I can do this with. I know sometimes we don't have supportive families for that. However, I truly believe that we can create our own family and support network. It doesn't necessarily have to be our blood relatives, it can be those who we have built relationships with. My parents call them our Spiritual Family. AND, we choose our friends. So, if you don't have that support from family and friends, I recommend adding a few peeps to your family and maybe a few new friends who are supportive. So, I share with my friends and family and they support, encourage or give advice. This is motivating for me because I know I can rely on that support and encouragement even when I might forget.
Friends and family also fall into this next motivating factor....surrounding myself with passionate, motivated people. I am sort of particular about who I surround myself with. Because of some past friendships and relationships in the past, I tend to be limited with who I let close to me nowadays. However, the cool thing about that is that I have ended up with some very amazing people to call friends/family :) The majority of my friends are artists in a variety of fields: acting, music, painting, behavioral health, fashion design, modeling, entrepreneurship, ect. Watching them be passionate about what they do, inevitably motivates me to be passionate about what I do! It is really simple, when I see someone else capable, passionate, energized and motivated, it gives me permission to do the same....and that is awesome! lol I truly believe that is what friends are for. It is give and take. Sometimes I may be feeling more passionate and motivated and maybe one of my friends needs that encouragement. It isn't always 50/50...sometimes friendships are 70/30 or 80/20! haha But the point is, I like to surround myself with people like that. People who are passionate, energized, excited and...yep...motivated!
My last motivating factor is pumping myself full of positive energy. There are so many other ways in which I stay motivated, but these are the main ones for me. So, filling myself with positive energy. Sounds simple...and it is simple! lol However, sometimes I make it so complicated! lol My parents talk about 'spiral down language.' It is language that is negative and ultimately pulls you down. It is so easy to get caught up in that type of language. "I can't." "But." "What will people think." "I'm too fat." "I'm not smart enough." There are so many things that I/we say to ourselves that is so negative and we start to believe it after a while. Over the years, I have noticed that about myself. When I am not taking care of myself by working out, being close to nature and all my other motivating factors, I start to talk myself down. I act like I am not capable of doing whatever it is that I want to do. Also, over the years, I have learned to recognize when I am doing this to myself. Now, I try really hard to stay positive. Sometimes its easier than other times, but the key is to try and create daily uplifting habits. For example, I read all the time. I read The Daily Love: Growing Into Grace by Mastin Kipp. I read inspirational quotes on Facebook. I read The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. I read quotes that I post on my little whiteboard in my apartment. I have even gone as far as writing positive, encouraging sayings and quotes on post its! I posted them up all over my apartment. That way no matter where I turned, there was something positive to read! haha I watch encouraging and uplifting YouTube videos and movies. Don't get me wrong, I love a good action movie full of explosives, high speed chases and shooting! haha But I know that when I need encouragement and motivation, those probably aren't the movies I should watch! lol
So, when it comes to filling yourself with positive energy, it doesn't matter what it is or how you consume it. What matters is that you do it on a consistent basis. Sometimes I do it even when I may not fully believe it yet. But I know I will at some point. So I continue to read, watch, write and do whatever I need to fill myself with that positive energy. Which is also another reason why I write this blog. Writing this blog helps me help myself. My parents always say, "we teach what we need to learn." I believe this. I know I need help keeping myself motivated, so what better way than to help others stay motivated and vice versa.
So, there it was! haha The process by which I get myself motivated and stay motivated!
Like I mentioned in the beginning, we all have different ways to motivate ourselves, even though there are some similarities. So, let me know what you do to motivates yourself and stay there! Hope y'all have a great week :)
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
Pe'hevevoona'o! I hope everyone had a good weekend! I had a nice weekend of nothing planning. I was going to stay home and just chill. But, true to me, I last minute packed up and headed to Billings to watch my little brother ride bulls at the NILE! That right there is literally the story of my life! haha I pulled in and was telling my mom about the weekend I had planned. She said, "how did that work out for you?" I said, "Apparently that life's not for me!" haha
So, these past few years I have been in this weird place of trying to go back to school to finish my bachelors degree. I stopped going to school because I was deployed the year I was supposed to graduate and when I got home it was very difficult to adjust back to being a civilian. I could not control my emotions. I would get very frustrated with having to sit in a classroom while people asked stupid questions while there was real things going on in the world. Needless to say, I dropped out and started focusing my energy on finding a decent job.
I have been doing this for years now. And if I am really honest with myself this time has been a blessing. I don't think I was ready to truly learn when I was in school. I think I was still too young and immature to be grateful for an education. Only now, at 29 years old do I feel open and excited about learning and educating myself. I always beat myself up with guilt and shame that I didn't finish. I look at other people my age and younger who have multiple degrees and compare myself. I felt not good enough, so I overcompensated by acting like I don't need a degree. I had all this other knowledge and life experience, so I didn't need education. haha Education doesn't define me or make me who I am, therefore I don't need it! Boy was I fooling myself. What I have come to realize is that my traditional knowledge and spiritual grounding are my foundation and I have a pretty strong foundation now. Life experience, education and knowledge are all the structures/frames by which my home is built. I am the home and metaphorically speaking, my home will never be completed or finished. I will always be evolving and learning in numerous environments; whether it is on deployment in Kuwait or at the University of Montana.
All that being said, I was just accepted back to the University of Montana. I am pretty excited about this, especially considering I wasn't sure if I was going to reapply, let alone get accepted. This process was sort of painful. I don't know what the deal was, but I created this huge mental block to going back to school. I was scared of being rejected and scared of dealing with professors whom I bumped heads with along the way. The professor I did not want to deal with, was the one professor that I had to deal with! Go figure huh! lol At the time, she was teaching the research class I need to graduate and is now the program director! I called her out in front of the entire class, more than a few times, because she refused to practice what she preached and absolutely refused to have a conversation about cultural anything: sensitivity, appropriate services, awareness, ect. I wasn't the only one who noticed this, but I was the only one golly enough to challenge her in class! haha Looking back, I stand by my reasoning, but I definitely would not have dealt with things in such a disrespectful manner. I was demanding respect on behalf of 'my people,' but not giving it. Needless to say, I had to swallow that piece of humble pie to get back into school! haha
The thing was my ego has been preventing me from doing that for years! Years!! I have been literally avoiding applying back to school and the program because my ego was wounded and I felt ashamed for what I had done all those years ago. However, I have been reading my favorite book, DailyLove: Growing into Grace by my favorite mentor Mastin Kipp. This book is literally changing my life with every page I read! I highly recommend it for those who are seeking change in their lives! There were a few teachings that I picked up on that just spoke to me, spoke to my spirit. One of those is when Mastin talks about staying motivated. He shared how he stays motivated. Basically, he stays motivated by surrounding himself with people who are further down the path than he and by facing fear by listing 5 things that he is scared of and doing one thing each day to move towards them. (Or well this is what I got from it! lol Im sure there are more things that keep him motivated! ) Soooo, I did it! I was scared to go back to school. So I made a list of things to do each day that would lead me back to school. Order my transcripts, pay for transcripts, fill out the reapplication, call the registrar AND call the program director!!! I did it all and got accepted!! Now, I can see how crazy irrational that stupid fear (aka ego) was!!
The other teachings that I have been focusing on and putting my energy towards are in these quotes from Mastin's book:
"Be willing to live for a few years how most people won't, so that you can live the rest of your life how most people can't!." -Mastin Kipp-
"There's no reason to have a Plan B because it distracts from Plan A!" -Will Smith-
I have been totally putting to much energy towards Plan B. For me, Plan B is working to provide for myself. However, I keep getting stuck at these jobs. Don't get me wrong, I love the work I do. BUT, I know I am capable of more. That is why I need to commit to my Plan A and go back to school. Not because education defines me or is the be all, end all, but because it is just another tool that will help me on my path. All education is good education. It is up to us what lessons we take from it. Now, I can see how sacrificing a few years to go back to school, is well worth it, if it is going to guide me and assist me in what my purpose here on earth is.
I am so excited to go back to school. Let me know what you think. Have you had experiences like this? Are you somewhere in the process? If so, let me know in the comments :) I would love a conversation!
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
Good Morning! It's been a few days or about a week since I have had more than a few minutes to actually think! ha So much has happened over the past week. I traveled back to South Dakota for our family business's annual Healing the Sacred Child through the Spirit of the Horse Conference, the Black Hills Pow Wow and to just be close to family and those I care about. It was a very eventful, emotional and powerful time. And I am thankful for every moment I was blessed to experience.
I presented at the conference. I spoke about my experience working in the behavioral health field with youth who have severe emotional disturbances. It was emotional...to say the least. I actually didn't cry! lol You know, I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but I always end up crying when I share about things that are meaningful to me. Its sort of funny to think about now. But I actually work hard to not cry. My parents always taught me that crying is the highest form of prayer. I don't think I understood that until recently (as with most things in my life! lol). Anyone can get up and speak like a robot with a rehearsed speech (not that there is anything wrong with that...but wait I have a point!). But it really does take guts to get up and share personal stories, experiences and things that get to the very core of who you are as a person. That's tough to do...but well worth it.
So, the main thing I have been excited to talk about and share since last week, is mentor-ship and motivation. I have been struggling to stay motivated at work. I love my job and am fortunate to work with some amazing people. That being said...I have been running into a lot of ignorance and cultural insensitivity at work. For as long as I can remember I have been one of the only, if not the only Native in any given situation. That is just part of living of the reservation. I dealt with this in elementary school and part of middle school, in college, in the army and now in my various employments.
Im sure many of you have been in this same situation. Being the only Native, you inherently become the voice for all Natives. You are the one who has to stick up for those who have no voice and in my line of work, those are the children. You also have to deal with the random ignorance and naivety. I think a lot of people just don't know how to behave or act. They don't realize what they say is offensive and even racist!
One of my co-workers spent about a half hour trying to convince me that one of our Native kids in the program with a severe emotional disturbance were no different from any other kid that comes into the program. Then proceeded to share a tactic they were about the employ. They couldn't get out kiddo to build a relationship with one of the other workers, so they had the worker tell the kiddo that she was Native too. I think she is 1/8th Native, but this was the first time I had heard about it and was uncomfortable with it. I shared with them how it made me uncomfortable to use that as a tactic and how I don't agree about Native kids being just like every other kid. I recommended waiting on that tactic for a bit until we could think through it. They did it anyways without me knowing and it was only an accident that I found out.
Then, we went to lunch as a whole the other day for a co-workers birthday. One of the other workers was trying to be friendly and visit with me about my trip home over the weekend. I shared with her the basics of what I did. Then she asked me if I went to the pow wow and did this, while she was banging on the table with her hands like a drum in a very animated way. Everyone at the table laughed at her and she said, "No its a traditional thing!" She then asked if it was a pow wow just for me or if it was a annual thing. I stated that pow wows are social, community gatherings. She then said she wishes she could go to one but look at her, she wouldn't be accepted in. I couldn't believe that she was serious! And she was! haha Wow! I don't think she meant any harm by it and was probably genuinely curious, but it was offensive. I told her that she would be fine attending a pow wow as long as she doesn't go around asking crazy questions like that anymore! lol
Prior to all of that, I was questioned by my supervisor because I had concerns about a Native child being placed in a non-Native home. I felt like I was wrong for having that concern and like I should be defending myself. So, all of this and more is going on at work. I know I am capable of handling it and bringing up solutions to how I feel. However, my biggest concerns are the Native children in our care. If they are capable of being totally insensitive towards me, what are they doing to these children? Children who barely have coping skills to deal with trauma they may have encountered, but are now having to deal with micro-aggression's in the very places they came to be safe.
Long story short (kinda!), this is challenging my ability to stay motivated at work. So, what did I do (which leads to the real reason for today's blog)? I read my favorite book, DailyLove: Growing into Grace and listened to the weekly blog by my favorite self help mentor Mastin Kipp. The one thing said that stuck out to me, was that to gain motivation we need to surround ourselves with people that are farther along down the path than we are. So, I immediately called on professional Native women who have been in this field longer than I have! I usually try to take on battles by charging in head first with no back up! lol A one woman army! haha However, this time my instincts said that these women know more than I do and they have more experience than I do. So, I FB messaged them expressing my frustrations and asked if we could visit over the phone. What did they do? Called me within the hour and each talked me through their experiences, advice, recommendations and pointed me towards resources that will be useful.
It was so empowering to be reassured that my concerns were not a result of being over-sensitive or that I was going crazy! haha They reassured me and uplifted my spirit when I needed the most. These women gave without even second guessing themselves. The crazy thing is that they have been a part of my life for years and this was the first time I had called on them. Then a realization slapped across the face! (which is also a very common thing for me! lol) I was letting my ego get in the way of really connecting to mentors that I already had in my life. I could have been open to what women like that had to share a long time ago. My ego told me I don't need anyone's advice, I can fix this on my own. Which is sometimes true, but more often, isn't. This is what Mastin Kipp was talking about. If I plan to continue moving forward on my spiritual path, I cant do it alone. I have to put my ego to the side and open myself up to what the Creator has in store for me. This time is was to allow mentors into my life; those who have already experienced what I am going through. I am so thankful for them and their guidance!!
I even dare to question whether or not the situations at work were put there to lead me to this realization. I do believe that the Creator has a plan for each of us. So, at the end of the day. I am going to push for some cultural sensitivity and humility training at work. I think everyone at work is well intentioned, but may need at little more understanding. So, there it is, my big realization of the week! lol I hope this is helpful. If you have had or are currently going through a similar situation, I welcome and would love a conversation in the comments :)
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
Pe'hevevoona'o/Hihani Waste- Good Morning!! I think I should write a blog all about how hard I work to wake myself up in the morning! lol Just kidding.
On a serious note, I would like to put a disclaimer out there. This blog is a work in progress. I am still learning how to work the site and even how to express myself. I am a work in progress. My interests and passions are always changing, sometimes on a daily basis! So, as you can imagine, this blog will probably be changing with me. There are a few reasons for starting this blog that I would like to add and what that process was like for me.
Here is another reason I started this blog. I am interested in everything! lol Although, I am not very artistic, I love art. In fact, the majority of my close friends are artists and very creative people. I love photography. I love sunsets and sunrises. I love the mountains. I love hiking, even when on some occasions I felt like it was going to kill me! ha I am a soldier and a veteran. I work in the social work field and am interested in so many areas. I have been an advocate for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault survivors, ran culturally based youth empowerment programming, case management for youth with severe emotional disturbances and youth in therapeutic foster care. I have work with Native led nonprofits and with young Native men and woman going to college. I have been a reporter for Native led newspapers and college newspapers.
The crazy thing is that I loved it all and I could still change up jobs and be totally into what I'm doing. I've always felt a little flaky for not sticking to one job for years on end, but you know what, why do I feel like that? Who says we have to work one job for the rest of our lives. My philosophy is that life is way too short to not pursue everything we are interested in. That doesn't mean I don't fully support those who have found a job that they can do their whole life. I am happy for them. It's just that, that is not me. I think society pushes a lot of agendas on us that are not in our best interests. I have struggled with that over the years. Determining what I want versus what my family wants for me, what my friends want for me and what society tells me! It is definitely a fine line to walk, but I have learned to know when I actually feel happy and when I don't. This is something that is often overlooked. Finding a good job and interests may be as simple as finding something that makes us happy! I understand and respect that it will not always be so simple. Sometimes we have to pay our dues and work through the grit to get to what is going to make us happy. But there is a big difference between paying dues and being miserable. I for one, am choosing to not be miserable! ha And I want to share what that has taught and will continue to teach me.
Okay, moving on...
So, I did it! I started my blog! And, I have to say, it was not easy. It is very scary. While writing my introduction, I got up out of my chair and paced my apartment more than a few times! I texted close friends and relatives to let them know what I was doing and asked for feedback. I was even scared of what they would say! Its so crazy how much fear can control our thoughts. These are people who are the closest to me and I was scared (still am a little) that they would reject what I have to share and say! Sitting here this morning, thinking about that, I realize it's a little irrational. But I imagine so many of us go through that. There have been so many times in my life that the fear actually kept me from doing a lot of good things. I let it control me.
I think anytime we decide to do anything that is outside of our norm, its scary! The key is to not let that fear get the best of us. Sometimes there is actual real fear of what could potentially be dangerous. I'm not talking about that fear! By all means be safe! lol I'm talking about the irrational fear that prevents us from doing things that a new, fun, exciting and often times true to who we are. I don't have some magic answer as to how to overcome those fears. I know for me, I rely on advice from my parents, my spirituality, those closest to me and I overdose on reading inspirational quotes, books, poetry and listen to inspirational music and videos. My parents always say that we have to be willing to go past vulnerability and go to a place of bewilderment if we want to truly grow and change. When they first started sharing this, I heard what they were saying, but I didn't understand. I think I am starting to understand now. I felt completely vulnerable yesterday (still do) thinking about sharing my personal thoughts and experiences. Now that I did it, I feel bewildered...like what now. lol I know that I am happy that I did it and that tells me that I must be where I am supposed to be.
So, if you hang in there with me. I am going to continue to push through this awkward place of vulnerability and bewilderment! I have attached a few of the images and quotes I have been focusing on and putting energy towards the past few days. I hope they are as helpful to you as they were to me :)
<3 Blessings
Krystal Rain
Hi...I'm Krystal Rain. I am a 29 year old Native American woman. I am enrolled Oglala Lakota, but was raised among the Northern Cheyenne. I am also an Army Veteran and so many other things that they're hard to list! ha I am starting this blog for so many reasons, which I will get to here in a minute. First, let me tell you why I chose the name, Of Reason, Passion and Guiding Lights.
For Christmas a few years ago, two of my closest friends in the world, who are basically my sisters, gave me books for my gifts. The first was Love Poems from God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West by Daniel Ladinsky and the other, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. I love books and reading. But what I loved more, was the fact that each of them wrote on the front page of the books. One quoted Marianne Williamson, whom I also love, "And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." She went on to say, "To come across a person whose nature is to be a light for others is something special. To me, that's the kind of person you are." The other one wrote, " For Krystal, The rudder to my sails." For anyone who has read The Prophet she was referring to the chapter the Prophet speaks about Reason and Passion. It states, "Your reason and passion are the rudder and sails of your seafaring soul." These gifts were so profound to me! Of course, I cried! lol These two gifts impacted me in such a powerful way. My friends basically gave me the confidence to start this page. To share whatever I am meant to share and for that I am forever grateful! Starting a blog and sharing your personal journey is scary and exciting at the same time. Knowing that two people whom I think the world of, look at me in this light, helps me let go of the fear and just go for it. That is why I named this blog: Of Reason, Passion and Guiding Lights.
Okay, so here are the reasons I am starting this blog. I have had an interesting, to say the least, journey. I have struggled with alcohol, been in an abusive relationship, been deployed, lost loved ones and even dropped out of college. I've ruined relationships and friendships because of my own dysfunction. I was raised on a reservation and then went to college off the reservation. So I have experienced the whole idea of, 'living in two worlds." I was bullied in high school and experienced my mom's divorce and moving to a new state. I had to adjust to a new blended family of step and half siblings. I've struggled to believe in myself and I have searched in all the wrong places for who I am. I have experienced verbal and emotional abuse and low self esteem. I have held good jobs and not so good jobs. I've been fired from some of those jobs and walked away from some for my own well being. I've struggled financially and also been in pretty decent standings as well. I've had my heart broke, more than a few times and I've also had great relationships with companions. I have struggled with my health, weight and appearance. I have struggled between being a strong,'traditional' Native woman and modern young person living in this world.
Sound familiar! My journey/path is no different from any of yours. We all struggle. We all have difficult times. That is life. I am starting this blog to share what I have learned from my experiences, from my perspective. I don't have any answers. I can't tell anyone what to and not to do. All I can do is share and give advice.
All of my struggles were for a reason. They led me to a true deeper understanding of myself. Through my struggles I was led to the self help field, of which I am a huge supporter. I love Marianne Williamson, Mastin Kipp, Gabrielle Bernstein, Oprah, Don Miguel Ruiz, Tich Nhat Hanh and so many more!! Each one of them have spoken to my spirit at one point or another. However, one thing that I have noticed, is that I can't relate to a lot of them. I hear what is being said and I understand how it applies to me, but I can't relate to their experiences. None of them speak from a Native American person's perspective, let alone a young Native American woman. So, I hope to offer that perspective to the those who, just like me, have and are struggling.
So, I can't end this blog having everyone thinking I am stuck in my struggles! lol I am very fortunate to have been raised by powerful, strong parents who grounded me in our spirituality before I even realized and appreciated what they were doing. I had a very large and loving family on both sides. I have some of the best friends that anyone could ever ask for. I am close to finishing my Bachelor's degree in Social Work. I am an Army Veteran who was blessed to be safe during my deployment. I have a wonderful job that I love. I have built my confidence over the years and now consider myself a strong person. I have great health and feel good about myself. There are too many good things in my life that I am thankful for to list!!
I hope that something I share speaks to you! And if it does...feel free to comment and share!
<3 Blessings,
Krystal Rain
