Resignation from Work...check!
Last month of rent paid...check!
30 day notice put in to landlord...check!!
Time for a change. Time to stop being scared. Time to go after what makes me happy. Because...well...why the hell not!?!? haha
Life is too short to not be happy! Period.
I have been pondering on living lightly on this Earth. I have also been thinking about reducing my attachment to material things. Why? Because it is my small baby step towards decolonizing and simply, being happy. As youth growing up in this modern day society, we are conditioned to think that material things matter most, that money is everything, that love is based on looks and so much more ridiculousness! haha
AND, personally, I am tired of it. I am tired to seeing our young people get bullied over these crazy ideas, and having those situations shape and affect their lives. Sometimes we lose them to these crazy ideas. Because at some point, not staying on this Earth seems more peaceful than this roller coaster of a ride life is. That is not okay with me. It sometimes feels hopeless. How do we get our young people (including my age group! hehe) to realize that this is a very large world and there is more than enough room for all of us to exist in it, as ourselves.
Sometimes that overwhelming feeling of trying to change or save the world gets ahold of me and compassion fatigue sets in. However, to prevent that, I just want to live my life and be happy. I figure if I can do that, I allow others to do that as well. Not that Im some super human who can change people just by being conscious of my own decisions! Oh...wait!! Yes, I am!! haha And so are you! We are all super humans...aka spirits. We are spirits and when we can claim that, we are capable of anything.
Obstacles will come up and in transition I will probably experience set backs...but it will be okay. I trust Creator to guide me through and assist me on my journey. My prayer is that in doing so, it allows others to do the same.
So, Im going to do it! lol I resigned from my boring 8-5 job, put in my 30 day notice at my favorite apartment and am going to sell everything! I will head back up to Missoula to finish my last few classes to graduate with my Bachelor's Degree in Social Work and then by the grace of Creator, off to Grad school in Maine :)
Blessings,
Krystal
"To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of the activist neutralizes her or her work for peace." -Thomas Merton-
Good morning everyone! I am a little slow in posting this week. Last weeks post really took a lot out of me. However, I must push forward! lol I woke up this morning not really knowing what I was going to write about. It's election day, so I could have done a whole schpeel on traditional versus contemporary forms of governing. ha But that's not really why I am doing this blog.
So, I just prayed and read my daily reading. Every morning (or well as many mornings as I can remember to! haha) I read this book called The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. It has a reading/meditation for every day of the year. I love this book!! It always shares just what I need to hear when I am going through something. The above quote is from today's reading and it is totally about me! haha I am sure so many of us can relate.
Okay, let me tell you why this quote is totally about me and everyone else who gives too much of themselves. I am the type of person who, when asked will give everything. When I find something that I am passionate about or even just believe strongly in, I give every ounce of my being and energy to that cause. If a friend needs me, I am there no matter the time or resources it takes. "You need gas money. Okay. I do too, but here you go!" haha When I start a new job, I fully commit to that job; working overtime and going above and beyond. When I start a new relationship, I am all in, lets go! ha Enlist in the army; okay, I'll do 8 years of my life! haha
That is just the type of person I am. I give freely of myself and I feel what others go through. Not just sympathize or empathize, I actually feel what they are feeling. I don't know why, but I believe this to be a gift from Creator. I know so many other people who are also like this. They fully give of themselves to make the world a better place. But here is the problem with that. We give so much of ourselves -time, money, energy- that we forget to fill ourselves back up. Then we become burnt out, tired, overwhelmed and sometimes victims.
That is what Thomas Merton is saying in this quote. We become victims of our own 'violence.' It is not intentional and definitely not with ill intention, but we do it. I don't have a one stop solution for this, but I do have a few suggestions.
I was going through a rough patch not too long ago at work. (Still am...a little bit!) I am a Case Manager for youth with severe emotional disturbances. I work with kiddos ages 0-18 that have experienced trauma, pain, or who were just born into unhealthy circumstances. I have worked with numerous kiddos who have experienced sexual abuse, neglect, violence and have suicidal tendencies. I feel each one of my kiddos' pain and hurt. I take that on and make it my mission to make the world a better place for them. I take on the responsibility because I believe it is our fault...adults. Our children and youth only know what we as adults have shown them. I was taught that we are born sacred and holy. We come from Creator; we are Creator. So this tells me that these kiddos are being exposed to all of this pain and suffering that the human experience has to offer. Some more than others and those are the ones I work with. As I am sure you can imagine, this is really heavy, emotional work. I love every minute of it, but often give too much. Then, I forget to take care of myself and put stuff back in, so I actually have something to give! ha
So, I would call home and share with my parents. I would go home, sweat and just take in the good stuff that home often has to offer. Self care! So important. One of my ways of combating my intense, giving energy is to take care of myself. I do that by running, hiking, bihkram yoga and any type of physical activity. Also, by watching what I eat. Not because I am all worried about weight and appearance, but because I believe that we are what we eat. So, if I am not being physically active, am filling my body with GMO's, unhealthy crap (that's a convo for another day! lol) and then giving everything I have to someone or something...of course I am committing violence against myself! ha After I break it down like that, it seems like common sense! haha But while you're going through it, it is sometimes difficult to see it that way. I have done a lot of work to recognize when I am giving too much of myself and now know that is when I need to practice self care.
All of that is good. However, the number one thing I have learned that people with my intensity and energy need to do is...JUST SLOW DOWN! lol I call home all of the time to vent, get advice and just catch up with my parents. On one of these occasions, I was all excited about going back to school, maybe having to move, maybe looking for a new job..there were so many possibilities! lol And true to me, I was all in and excited for a new adventure! haha I was talking about all the things I was going to do and let me tell you, there were a lot of them! haha My Dad just said, "You need to slow down." haha Of course, I was like, well he just doesn't understand! lol
After a while, I thought about it. Which is how I process. I will hear advice, then process it and determine whether or not I should start practicing that. So, I processed this new information and realized that if I just learn to slow down when I get excited about different missions, causes, situations or relationships, I won't over give in the first place.
Then self care can be practiced as prevention, as opposed to intervention! haha Or in other words, if I can just learn to slow down and think through things and practice self care as I go, I won't get to the point of burn out or over giving.
Patience was definitely not a gift I was given! haha However, the beautiful thing about being a human is that we have choice. We choose how we feel and how we behave. No one else can ever make us feel or behave any way without us first making that choice. Sure, we can get manipulated and pushed into corners, but there is always a choice or decision to be made. So, that means I have to make that decision to just slow down every time I become excited or passionate about something. By slowing down, self care becomes easier and I am then able to give more without depleting myself.
This blog post is dedicated to all those out there who give their everything to everything! haha I know so many of you who are full of passion and intensity for making this world a better place, whether it is for environmental justice, women's rights, for our children and youth or any other form of social justice. I love you for that and the world is a better place just for having you in it! I am proud to call you friends and family!
Don't forget to just slow down and take care of yourself, so you can continue to give in a world that is so desperately in need of that kind of love :)
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
Good morning and Happy Birthday to my friends and family! haha jks Happy Halloween! I was laughing because I called my Grandmoo and asked her what she is going to do for her birthday. She got quiet and said, "Yours," with that Oglala Grandma accent! haha Then I asked if she got her ride out yet. She started laughing and said that she was getting some new straw for the end still! lol She makes me laugh! I hope everyone had a great month of October. I feel like this whole month just flew by! This whole year actually! lol
So, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I have been thinking about this post all month. Debating whether or not I should share my story and my experience with domestic violence. I have been reading all of the posts by the National Indigenous Women's Resource Center and article's about, "Why I stayed." It's still very emotional and brings up some deeply embedded pain even after all these years. However, I think that I need to continue to face that pain everyday to move forward.
The abuse I endured was so long ago. I am not the same person I was back then, but there's still parts of me that is afraid to commit to relationships for fear that they will end up like this one. About 8 years ago, I was just a girl still! ha But, typical of most 19 year-olds, I thought I knew it all and was quick to make huge life decisions without taking any advice. lol I was going to college at Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO. I went back to Pine Ridge for Spring Break. Of course I was out partying and making poor choices. Which, by the way, I do not condone. I am only sharing this because it is part of my story, my journey and an experience that helped shape part of who I am today. My Auntie and I were out planning what to do that night and then I seen him. The moment I seen him, I knew, that is who I was going to be with for the rest of my life. He literally took my breath away and that was it and I didn't even know his name yet! (Talk about corny huh! lol) He came up to my car and I was so happy that my Auntie knew him. We all talked about the crazy plans for the night and he came with us.
Of course we jumped head first into a crazy intense relationship that would last three years. I dropped out of college. Like I said earlier, I was young and he was my entire world. I was so in love that I didn't notice how I was being isolated from my family and friends. First, there were subtle things, like not liking my friends. So, of course I wasn't going to give up this love of my life for friends. Which, looking back, is totally ridiculous. Today, my friends are some of the most important people in my life and whoever I am with, has to get along with them! hehe Then I isolated myself from my mom and dad.
We took turns living with his mom and dad and my Grandmoo. Everything seemed perfect. We were so close that I could literally feel when something was wrong with him. One night, he went to go play basketball and I stayed to bead with his mom. All of a sudden I felt all shaky and my heart was beating really fast. I looked up and must have had a crazy look on my face because his mom got scared and asked me whats wrong. I knew something was wrong with him. Something happened, but I didn't know what and I couldn't explain it. I told her and we jumped in her car and drove around looking for him. We couldn't find him anywhere. So we went home and he was there. He sprained his ankle playing basketball and went to the emergency room! Another time, we had broken up over the abuse and I went back to my moms. I was asleep and sat straight up in bed crying my eyes out. I didn't even know what I was doing, but I knew something had happened to him. Sure enough, he was out drinking, got into a fight, got pistol whipped and the gun went off and grazed his head. I called his phone and his dad said they were in the ER. (Totally ghetto..I know! WTH Krystal!! lol)
When asking women, why they stayed. That is why I stayed. I thought that he was it for me. I thought that my love for him could make it all better. I stayed because I loved him with my entire being and thought that love could make him change. I thought that if I could just get him to stop drinking, we would be okay. Not how things went...
I remember the exact moment things changed and every detail about that night. The first time I got hit . It was during his 21st birthday party. His parents let everyone drink in the basement to be safe. (Great idea!! *says sarcastically!) He got so drunk and I was trying to get him to stop and go to bed. I finally got him to the point that he agreed to eat and then go to sleep. So we went upstairs and made him some leftover taco salad. I turned around and accidentally bumped him and he dropped the entire plate on the floor. I just remember watching it hit the floor, splatter and then catching a backhand right to my face. Then he just walked away like nothing happened. I just stood there in the middle of the kitchen...in shock. His sister must have seen or heard what happened and came running into me as soon as he went back downstairs. I felt like my legs didn't work and I couldn't move. His sister said, "Krystal your nose is bleeding," and I snapped out of it.
Everything changed in that one moment. The one person in the world that could make everything okay was the one person who hurt me the most. I would always run to him when I was sad, lonely or whatever it was. And now he was the one causing the sadness, loneliness, anger, betrayal and all the other emotions rolled into one feeling. That was just the beginning. I stayed with him for another 2 and a half years. The abuse got worse and more frequent and I hung onto the idea that I could change him. I left him a total of four times before I left him for good the fifth time.
Ironically, the things that helped me leave him were some of the same things that motivate me! If you read my previous blog, it was all about how to get and stay motivated. Well those things have been with me since before I can remember.
During our relationship, my parents and family did what they could. I would call crying and they would try to come get me, but would change my mind by the time they were ready to leave. I don't think I talked to my dad for two years straight during that time. Looking back now, I can't even imagine how difficult it was for my family to watch me go through all of that. Just thinking about what my mom must have felt when I would call after getting hit or being chased down in a panic, crying, wanting her to come get me...still makes me cry.
Ultimately the Creator and my parents are who saved me. From a very young age my mom instilled values and beliefs in me. It was never an option for me to NOT go to college. All through high school, I think we sweated every weekend! ha My parents connected me to the Creator and our spiritual beliefs. Even when I fought it, they pushed me to learn and participate. They never gave up on me. Even when I was young, defiant and crazy. They stayed consistent and reliable. They always put it in my head that I was worth more and was destined for big things. They taught me our history and where we came from. They shared what our ancestors sacrificed so that we could be here today. And most importantly, they taught me how to pray. Although, at the time, I was a young rebellious teenager and acted like I didn't care! ha But they shared anyway. My parents always say to speak to people's spirits when you're sharing because our humanness may not be ready for what is being shared. I truly believe that. As a teenager and young woman, my humanness was not ready, but my spirit listened and absorbed all of the teachings.
That is what I clung to. Those teachings are what I had to dig down deep and remember. I remember when I first started to remember to pray. I was a mess, sore and emotionally drained and I had burned so many bridges and was so ashamed that I didn't know who to turn to or call. I began to pray. I started out praying for our relationship, but over time prayed for the pain to go away. That is when I started to remember what was important to me before the pain. So, I started taking classes at Oglala Lakota College. They had a little room that had one treadmill, one bicycle, a stereo and some weights. I would take my Hunka daughter and little cousin with me to work out in the evenings. If they were with me, he wouldn't think I was up to something. I slowly started to feel good about myself. I was going to school and getting back in shape. I was a runner in high school and was always active. I always felt good when I was active, so I figured I would start there.
He got a job, the drinking and abuse lessened, but it wasn't enough. When in high school, I always liked the idea of attending the University of Montana in Missoula. So, I secretly applied because I knew if I let him know that I was planning on going to school out of state, I wouldn't leave. I had everything sent to my moms and a new email address. I got accepted towards the end of the week, my mom came and got me that weekend, drove me 12 hours to Missoula and I started classes that week! I feel like that was the only way I could leave. Not because it was so dangerous that I couldn't let him know, but because I still loved him. I was still holding onto the idea that I could change him and that we loved each other enough to get through it. But something deep down inside told me to go. So, I did. I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life.
Over the course of the past 8 years I have slowly healed. I have slowly let go of the pain. I have even forgiven him. It wasn't easy. And not before I tried to drown the pain and loneliness in alcohol and relationships. No form of medicating could help me. My life was so hectic and chaotic. Then, one day I ran into an Army recruiter and enlisted! ha Just like that! lol Typical Krystal...go big or go home! lol I needed structure and stability in my life and I wasn't at that place where I could go home yet and that is just what the Army gave me. It has been 8 years since I enlisted and I just recently got done with my time in service...October 3, 2014!! Haray! lol
The army was just a stepping stone to coming home. I reconnected with my mom, dad and siblings. We rebuilt and strengthened our relationships. I started coming home to sweat and participate in ceremony. I started to do the work on myself to build my confidence, strength and will back up. I used all of those motivating factors to strengthen myself. I think it worked. haha I am no where near, "there," because there does not exist. I am still a work in progress and always will be. But I am here and I am happy. I am thankful and I am blessed! I would like to say thank you for all those who endured that time of my life with me!
I am sure there are so many stories like mine. Unfortunately, too many are still in those abusive relationships and at very young ages. So, if you feel like sharing or talking with me. Just hit me up. I am always open to visiting, sharing, answering questions or just listening :) And if you are struggling, remember: You are beautiful. You are sacred and holy! You deserve only the best. You are destined for great things and you got this!!
Thank you for reading!
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
Pe'vevehoona'o/Hihani Waste everyone! I hope everyone had a good weekend. I had a blast! I haven't had that much fun in a very long time! There was a fashion and modeling workshop for Native designers, models, artists and musicians. So, Native talent from all over the country came to Bozeman to share their knowledge and showcase their work. It was so amazing see all of the artistry and creativity. I love that! Personally, I'm not very artistic or creative, but boy do I love hanging out with those that are! Everyone was so passionate about what they do, whether it was styling hair, modeling, fashion or music! It was like you could see the person by looking at their work or listening to their music. To me, that's what life is all about. Watching everyone give their all and share good energy got me thinking about what makes me excited, passionate and more importantly what keeps me motivated in the work I do.
One of my previous posts introduced the idea of being motivated and I have been reading and listening to a lot of material about how to stay motivated lately. What keeps each of us motivated is so different. Yet, I imagine there are a few similarities. So, I'm going to share how I stay motivated.
So, the most important way that I stay motivated is by reconnecting back to spirit or grounding myself. I do this in so many ways. I do it by being physically active, being out in nature, going home for a good sweat, being around family and friends and filling myself with positive energy. All of which, happens to be other ways I also stay motivated. It is sort of a process for me. They don't always go in order, but this is generally the process and order I motivate myself in:
Staying physically active is so important to not only my motivation, but my overall health; mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. When I am being lazy and eating poorly, laying around my apartment watching all my TV shows on Hulu and Netflix eating Potato chips with my favorite French onion dip....its time to go hike or run!! haha Although, I am a pretty active person, I can be so lazy when I want! haha I now know myself enough to know that when I feel down, lazy, I can't think or nothing is going my way, I need to go hike or run. The hardest thing ever is changing and lacing up my shoes! lol But that's where I start...I lace up my shoes and slowly work my way to the door and then just go. Go for a walk, a hike or a run! It doesn't matter how far or how long I go for...it only matters that I showed up. Then I just listen to my body. So sometimes I run a few miles, or hike a mountain or walk a mile! haha The important thing is that I do it and feel instantly better. The moment I feel myself breaking a sweat or breathing hard, I know that I am on the right track. Its like instant motivation! haha There is something about being out in nature and pushing myself physically that reminds me that I am capable of way more than I am allowing myself to believe. Which leads me to my next motivating factor...being in nature.
It is not about the physical exercise itself, its the combination of physical activity and being in nature. Those two things reconnect me and ground me back to my spirit, the Creator or however you view your higher power. And that is ultimately what starts my motivation kick! haha There is something so powerful about being outside smelling the tree sap and moist dirt on a warm day; hearing the birds chirping and my own breathing; seeing the sun glow onto everything and all the little animals scurry about; and feeling the ground beneath my feet and the sweat trickle down that is empowering and reminding. It reminds me of how really simple life is. I am thankful for those little reminders. And when I can be in a place of gratitude and see how simple things are, it puts things in perspective. All of a sudden things seem more attainable and I feel motivated to do something... anything! lol I use physical activity to process through my thoughts and feelings as well. So, this is a perfect process for me. I can get motivated as I think about what my next step is!
Then, I usually come home all pumped about an idea or plan! haha So, what do I do? I call someone! lol My next motivating factor is relying on friends and family for encouragement. I am a pretty social person, so I like to talk! haha So, for me, it only makes sense that I bounce my ideas and plans off my friends and family for support or advice. Now, I admit, sometimes I am not the greatest at taking advice or criticism..but I'm getting better at it! lol And if it is coming from someone I care about and I know cares about me, then I usually process it over some time and ultimately take the advice to better myself. So, back to calling someone! lol I call my mom, dad, Bro and all my friends. I'll go down my favorites list in my cell phone contacts until I get someone! haha Then, I just talk, visit and share whatever comes to mind. I am so blessed and fortunate to have family and friends that I can do this with. I know sometimes we don't have supportive families for that. However, I truly believe that we can create our own family and support network. It doesn't necessarily have to be our blood relatives, it can be those who we have built relationships with. My parents call them our Spiritual Family. AND, we choose our friends. So, if you don't have that support from family and friends, I recommend adding a few peeps to your family and maybe a few new friends who are supportive. So, I share with my friends and family and they support, encourage or give advice. This is motivating for me because I know I can rely on that support and encouragement even when I might forget.
Friends and family also fall into this next motivating factor....surrounding myself with passionate, motivated people. I am sort of particular about who I surround myself with. Because of some past friendships and relationships in the past, I tend to be limited with who I let close to me nowadays. However, the cool thing about that is that I have ended up with some very amazing people to call friends/family :) The majority of my friends are artists in a variety of fields: acting, music, painting, behavioral health, fashion design, modeling, entrepreneurship, ect. Watching them be passionate about what they do, inevitably motivates me to be passionate about what I do! It is really simple, when I see someone else capable, passionate, energized and motivated, it gives me permission to do the same....and that is awesome! lol I truly believe that is what friends are for. It is give and take. Sometimes I may be feeling more passionate and motivated and maybe one of my friends needs that encouragement. It isn't always 50/50...sometimes friendships are 70/30 or 80/20! haha But the point is, I like to surround myself with people like that. People who are passionate, energized, excited and...yep...motivated!
My last motivating factor is pumping myself full of positive energy. There are so many other ways in which I stay motivated, but these are the main ones for me. So, filling myself with positive energy. Sounds simple...and it is simple! lol However, sometimes I make it so complicated! lol My parents talk about 'spiral down language.' It is language that is negative and ultimately pulls you down. It is so easy to get caught up in that type of language. "I can't." "But." "What will people think." "I'm too fat." "I'm not smart enough." There are so many things that I/we say to ourselves that is so negative and we start to believe it after a while. Over the years, I have noticed that about myself. When I am not taking care of myself by working out, being close to nature and all my other motivating factors, I start to talk myself down. I act like I am not capable of doing whatever it is that I want to do. Also, over the years, I have learned to recognize when I am doing this to myself. Now, I try really hard to stay positive. Sometimes its easier than other times, but the key is to try and create daily uplifting habits. For example, I read all the time. I read The Daily Love: Growing Into Grace by Mastin Kipp. I read inspirational quotes on Facebook. I read The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. I read quotes that I post on my little whiteboard in my apartment. I have even gone as far as writing positive, encouraging sayings and quotes on post its! I posted them up all over my apartment. That way no matter where I turned, there was something positive to read! haha I watch encouraging and uplifting YouTube videos and movies. Don't get me wrong, I love a good action movie full of explosives, high speed chases and shooting! haha But I know that when I need encouragement and motivation, those probably aren't the movies I should watch! lol
So, when it comes to filling yourself with positive energy, it doesn't matter what it is or how you consume it. What matters is that you do it on a consistent basis. Sometimes I do it even when I may not fully believe it yet. But I know I will at some point. So I continue to read, watch, write and do whatever I need to fill myself with that positive energy. Which is also another reason why I write this blog. Writing this blog helps me help myself. My parents always say, "we teach what we need to learn." I believe this. I know I need help keeping myself motivated, so what better way than to help others stay motivated and vice versa.
So, there it was! haha The process by which I get myself motivated and stay motivated!
Like I mentioned in the beginning, we all have different ways to motivate ourselves, even though there are some similarities. So, let me know what you do to motivates yourself and stay there! Hope y'all have a great week :)
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
Pe'hevevoona'o! I hope everyone had a good weekend! I had a nice weekend of nothing planning. I was going to stay home and just chill. But, true to me, I last minute packed up and headed to Billings to watch my little brother ride bulls at the NILE! That right there is literally the story of my life! haha I pulled in and was telling my mom about the weekend I had planned. She said, "how did that work out for you?" I said, "Apparently that life's not for me!" haha
So, these past few years I have been in this weird place of trying to go back to school to finish my bachelors degree. I stopped going to school because I was deployed the year I was supposed to graduate and when I got home it was very difficult to adjust back to being a civilian. I could not control my emotions. I would get very frustrated with having to sit in a classroom while people asked stupid questions while there was real things going on in the world. Needless to say, I dropped out and started focusing my energy on finding a decent job.
I have been doing this for years now. And if I am really honest with myself this time has been a blessing. I don't think I was ready to truly learn when I was in school. I think I was still too young and immature to be grateful for an education. Only now, at 29 years old do I feel open and excited about learning and educating myself. I always beat myself up with guilt and shame that I didn't finish. I look at other people my age and younger who have multiple degrees and compare myself. I felt not good enough, so I overcompensated by acting like I don't need a degree. I had all this other knowledge and life experience, so I didn't need education. haha Education doesn't define me or make me who I am, therefore I don't need it! Boy was I fooling myself. What I have come to realize is that my traditional knowledge and spiritual grounding are my foundation and I have a pretty strong foundation now. Life experience, education and knowledge are all the structures/frames by which my home is built. I am the home and metaphorically speaking, my home will never be completed or finished. I will always be evolving and learning in numerous environments; whether it is on deployment in Kuwait or at the University of Montana.
All that being said, I was just accepted back to the University of Montana. I am pretty excited about this, especially considering I wasn't sure if I was going to reapply, let alone get accepted. This process was sort of painful. I don't know what the deal was, but I created this huge mental block to going back to school. I was scared of being rejected and scared of dealing with professors whom I bumped heads with along the way. The professor I did not want to deal with, was the one professor that I had to deal with! Go figure huh! lol At the time, she was teaching the research class I need to graduate and is now the program director! I called her out in front of the entire class, more than a few times, because she refused to practice what she preached and absolutely refused to have a conversation about cultural anything: sensitivity, appropriate services, awareness, ect. I wasn't the only one who noticed this, but I was the only one golly enough to challenge her in class! haha Looking back, I stand by my reasoning, but I definitely would not have dealt with things in such a disrespectful manner. I was demanding respect on behalf of 'my people,' but not giving it. Needless to say, I had to swallow that piece of humble pie to get back into school! haha
The thing was my ego has been preventing me from doing that for years! Years!! I have been literally avoiding applying back to school and the program because my ego was wounded and I felt ashamed for what I had done all those years ago. However, I have been reading my favorite book, DailyLove: Growing into Grace by my favorite mentor Mastin Kipp. This book is literally changing my life with every page I read! I highly recommend it for those who are seeking change in their lives! There were a few teachings that I picked up on that just spoke to me, spoke to my spirit. One of those is when Mastin talks about staying motivated. He shared how he stays motivated. Basically, he stays motivated by surrounding himself with people who are further down the path than he and by facing fear by listing 5 things that he is scared of and doing one thing each day to move towards them. (Or well this is what I got from it! lol Im sure there are more things that keep him motivated! ) Soooo, I did it! I was scared to go back to school. So I made a list of things to do each day that would lead me back to school. Order my transcripts, pay for transcripts, fill out the reapplication, call the registrar AND call the program director!!! I did it all and got accepted!! Now, I can see how crazy irrational that stupid fear (aka ego) was!!
The other teachings that I have been focusing on and putting my energy towards are in these quotes from Mastin's book:
"Be willing to live for a few years how most people won't, so that you can live the rest of your life how most people can't!." -Mastin Kipp-
"There's no reason to have a Plan B because it distracts from Plan A!" -Will Smith-
I have been totally putting to much energy towards Plan B. For me, Plan B is working to provide for myself. However, I keep getting stuck at these jobs. Don't get me wrong, I love the work I do. BUT, I know I am capable of more. That is why I need to commit to my Plan A and go back to school. Not because education defines me or is the be all, end all, but because it is just another tool that will help me on my path. All education is good education. It is up to us what lessons we take from it. Now, I can see how sacrificing a few years to go back to school, is well worth it, if it is going to guide me and assist me in what my purpose here on earth is.
I am so excited to go back to school. Let me know what you think. Have you had experiences like this? Are you somewhere in the process? If so, let me know in the comments :) I would love a conversation!
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
Good Morning! It's been a few days or about a week since I have had more than a few minutes to actually think! ha So much has happened over the past week. I traveled back to South Dakota for our family business's annual Healing the Sacred Child through the Spirit of the Horse Conference, the Black Hills Pow Wow and to just be close to family and those I care about. It was a very eventful, emotional and powerful time. And I am thankful for every moment I was blessed to experience.
I presented at the conference. I spoke about my experience working in the behavioral health field with youth who have severe emotional disturbances. It was emotional...to say the least. I actually didn't cry! lol You know, I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but I always end up crying when I share about things that are meaningful to me. Its sort of funny to think about now. But I actually work hard to not cry. My parents always taught me that crying is the highest form of prayer. I don't think I understood that until recently (as with most things in my life! lol). Anyone can get up and speak like a robot with a rehearsed speech (not that there is anything wrong with that...but wait I have a point!). But it really does take guts to get up and share personal stories, experiences and things that get to the very core of who you are as a person. That's tough to do...but well worth it.
So, the main thing I have been excited to talk about and share since last week, is mentor-ship and motivation. I have been struggling to stay motivated at work. I love my job and am fortunate to work with some amazing people. That being said...I have been running into a lot of ignorance and cultural insensitivity at work. For as long as I can remember I have been one of the only, if not the only Native in any given situation. That is just part of living of the reservation. I dealt with this in elementary school and part of middle school, in college, in the army and now in my various employments.
Im sure many of you have been in this same situation. Being the only Native, you inherently become the voice for all Natives. You are the one who has to stick up for those who have no voice and in my line of work, those are the children. You also have to deal with the random ignorance and naivety. I think a lot of people just don't know how to behave or act. They don't realize what they say is offensive and even racist!
One of my co-workers spent about a half hour trying to convince me that one of our Native kids in the program with a severe emotional disturbance were no different from any other kid that comes into the program. Then proceeded to share a tactic they were about the employ. They couldn't get out kiddo to build a relationship with one of the other workers, so they had the worker tell the kiddo that she was Native too. I think she is 1/8th Native, but this was the first time I had heard about it and was uncomfortable with it. I shared with them how it made me uncomfortable to use that as a tactic and how I don't agree about Native kids being just like every other kid. I recommended waiting on that tactic for a bit until we could think through it. They did it anyways without me knowing and it was only an accident that I found out.
Then, we went to lunch as a whole the other day for a co-workers birthday. One of the other workers was trying to be friendly and visit with me about my trip home over the weekend. I shared with her the basics of what I did. Then she asked me if I went to the pow wow and did this, while she was banging on the table with her hands like a drum in a very animated way. Everyone at the table laughed at her and she said, "No its a traditional thing!" She then asked if it was a pow wow just for me or if it was a annual thing. I stated that pow wows are social, community gatherings. She then said she wishes she could go to one but look at her, she wouldn't be accepted in. I couldn't believe that she was serious! And she was! haha Wow! I don't think she meant any harm by it and was probably genuinely curious, but it was offensive. I told her that she would be fine attending a pow wow as long as she doesn't go around asking crazy questions like that anymore! lol
Prior to all of that, I was questioned by my supervisor because I had concerns about a Native child being placed in a non-Native home. I felt like I was wrong for having that concern and like I should be defending myself. So, all of this and more is going on at work. I know I am capable of handling it and bringing up solutions to how I feel. However, my biggest concerns are the Native children in our care. If they are capable of being totally insensitive towards me, what are they doing to these children? Children who barely have coping skills to deal with trauma they may have encountered, but are now having to deal with micro-aggression's in the very places they came to be safe.
Long story short (kinda!), this is challenging my ability to stay motivated at work. So, what did I do (which leads to the real reason for today's blog)? I read my favorite book, DailyLove: Growing into Grace and listened to the weekly blog by my favorite self help mentor Mastin Kipp. The one thing said that stuck out to me, was that to gain motivation we need to surround ourselves with people that are farther along down the path than we are. So, I immediately called on professional Native women who have been in this field longer than I have! I usually try to take on battles by charging in head first with no back up! lol A one woman army! haha However, this time my instincts said that these women know more than I do and they have more experience than I do. So, I FB messaged them expressing my frustrations and asked if we could visit over the phone. What did they do? Called me within the hour and each talked me through their experiences, advice, recommendations and pointed me towards resources that will be useful.
It was so empowering to be reassured that my concerns were not a result of being over-sensitive or that I was going crazy! haha They reassured me and uplifted my spirit when I needed the most. These women gave without even second guessing themselves. The crazy thing is that they have been a part of my life for years and this was the first time I had called on them. Then a realization slapped across the face! (which is also a very common thing for me! lol) I was letting my ego get in the way of really connecting to mentors that I already had in my life. I could have been open to what women like that had to share a long time ago. My ego told me I don't need anyone's advice, I can fix this on my own. Which is sometimes true, but more often, isn't. This is what Mastin Kipp was talking about. If I plan to continue moving forward on my spiritual path, I cant do it alone. I have to put my ego to the side and open myself up to what the Creator has in store for me. This time is was to allow mentors into my life; those who have already experienced what I am going through. I am so thankful for them and their guidance!!
I even dare to question whether or not the situations at work were put there to lead me to this realization. I do believe that the Creator has a plan for each of us. So, at the end of the day. I am going to push for some cultural sensitivity and humility training at work. I think everyone at work is well intentioned, but may need at little more understanding. So, there it is, my big realization of the week! lol I hope this is helpful. If you have had or are currently going through a similar situation, I welcome and would love a conversation in the comments :)
Blessings,
Krystal Rain
Pe'hevevoona'o/Hihani Waste- Good Morning!! I think I should write a blog all about how hard I work to wake myself up in the morning! lol Just kidding.
On a serious note, I would like to put a disclaimer out there. This blog is a work in progress. I am still learning how to work the site and even how to express myself. I am a work in progress. My interests and passions are always changing, sometimes on a daily basis! So, as you can imagine, this blog will probably be changing with me. There are a few reasons for starting this blog that I would like to add and what that process was like for me.
Here is another reason I started this blog. I am interested in everything! lol Although, I am not very artistic, I love art. In fact, the majority of my close friends are artists and very creative people. I love photography. I love sunsets and sunrises. I love the mountains. I love hiking, even when on some occasions I felt like it was going to kill me! ha I am a soldier and a veteran. I work in the social work field and am interested in so many areas. I have been an advocate for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault survivors, ran culturally based youth empowerment programming, case management for youth with severe emotional disturbances and youth in therapeutic foster care. I have work with Native led nonprofits and with young Native men and woman going to college. I have been a reporter for Native led newspapers and college newspapers.
The crazy thing is that I loved it all and I could still change up jobs and be totally into what I'm doing. I've always felt a little flaky for not sticking to one job for years on end, but you know what, why do I feel like that? Who says we have to work one job for the rest of our lives. My philosophy is that life is way too short to not pursue everything we are interested in. That doesn't mean I don't fully support those who have found a job that they can do their whole life. I am happy for them. It's just that, that is not me. I think society pushes a lot of agendas on us that are not in our best interests. I have struggled with that over the years. Determining what I want versus what my family wants for me, what my friends want for me and what society tells me! It is definitely a fine line to walk, but I have learned to know when I actually feel happy and when I don't. This is something that is often overlooked. Finding a good job and interests may be as simple as finding something that makes us happy! I understand and respect that it will not always be so simple. Sometimes we have to pay our dues and work through the grit to get to what is going to make us happy. But there is a big difference between paying dues and being miserable. I for one, am choosing to not be miserable! ha And I want to share what that has taught and will continue to teach me.
Okay, moving on...
So, I did it! I started my blog! And, I have to say, it was not easy. It is very scary. While writing my introduction, I got up out of my chair and paced my apartment more than a few times! I texted close friends and relatives to let them know what I was doing and asked for feedback. I was even scared of what they would say! Its so crazy how much fear can control our thoughts. These are people who are the closest to me and I was scared (still am a little) that they would reject what I have to share and say! Sitting here this morning, thinking about that, I realize it's a little irrational. But I imagine so many of us go through that. There have been so many times in my life that the fear actually kept me from doing a lot of good things. I let it control me.
I think anytime we decide to do anything that is outside of our norm, its scary! The key is to not let that fear get the best of us. Sometimes there is actual real fear of what could potentially be dangerous. I'm not talking about that fear! By all means be safe! lol I'm talking about the irrational fear that prevents us from doing things that a new, fun, exciting and often times true to who we are. I don't have some magic answer as to how to overcome those fears. I know for me, I rely on advice from my parents, my spirituality, those closest to me and I overdose on reading inspirational quotes, books, poetry and listen to inspirational music and videos. My parents always say that we have to be willing to go past vulnerability and go to a place of bewilderment if we want to truly grow and change. When they first started sharing this, I heard what they were saying, but I didn't understand. I think I am starting to understand now. I felt completely vulnerable yesterday (still do) thinking about sharing my personal thoughts and experiences. Now that I did it, I feel bewildered...like what now. lol I know that I am happy that I did it and that tells me that I must be where I am supposed to be.
So, if you hang in there with me. I am going to continue to push through this awkward place of vulnerability and bewilderment! I have attached a few of the images and quotes I have been focusing on and putting energy towards the past few days. I hope they are as helpful to you as they were to me :)
<3 Blessings
Krystal Rain
